dee

The worst feeling in the world

2003-08-11T17:46:44Z

Back in the day when people emailed me those survey things, a questions would always be "what's the worst feeling in the world" i think i always said something like paper cuts or waking up... but i've found something much, much worse. when you say i love you to someone you love and they say yeah whatever and leave. I do this to my mom whenever i'm mad at her, and now someone's doing it to me. now i know why she gets upset.

deezer @ 2003-08-07T19:10:00

2003-08-07T23:11:04Z

btw happy birthday r.. erm... cool.........

deezer @ 2003-08-07T18:48:00

2003-08-07T22:57:19Z

i was just talking to john pilat, and i came up with the idea that it would be humorous if we got say 25-75 people wearing nirvana shirts to start a riot.. just for fun.

"there was a riot in downtown sarnia today, the cause being unknown. all rioters were seens wearing tshirts of the band 'nirvana'. everyone is surprised and dumbfounded by the unusual occurance" etc etc etc. maybe i just have a weird sense of humor :|

the magical date is tuesday august 12 for the person i mentioned july 2nd coming for a visit. if you know me well enough you know who it is, but i'm not gonna say any names for the fact that i don't know who's reading this. maybe i should make this shizzle private. meh. i'm very excited and i wish time would go by faster.

i can't sleep, i'm bored, there's no food. same ol shit. but overall it's all good. ya know. i'm gonna go now.

deezer @ 2003-07-30T03:00:00

2003-07-30T07:01:05Z

i fucking hate this
i don't wanna be here
i'm gonna find a country where alcohol is forbinen and move there
i hate drunk people
they're different people when they're drunk
and i wanna kill them all

kthx

deezer @ 2003-07-29T03:33:00

2003-07-29T07:33:19Z

you only notice the shadows if you walk with your head down.

deezer @ 2003-07-02T05:06:00

2003-07-02T09:15:03Z

i can't fucking believe this
i don't even have to throw a fucking party to have to put up with some fuckhead taking up my bathroom because they're puking.

the only puking i need to wake up to is when the person i love is sick, not some fuck head who drank too much and is on e and can't handle their shit. i fucking hate this.

all i want is to get away from all this bullshit and be with the person i love who i mentioned earlier. i haven't wrote about him yet because... well.. i haven't wrote anything lately. but he's sleeping and i don't wanna wake him up and i need someone to bitch at. i love him with all my heart and all i want in the world is to be with him. the only problem is he's 1000 km away and i'm 17. but i swear to "god" that if i was 18 right now i would not have just woken up to this. i would be sleeping peacefully in his arms without any worries. why is everything so complicated. i fucking hate this.

yeah, it's canada day. the big canada day party of 2003 was at joselyn's house. wasn't much of a party as far as i saw, but i was only there for a half hour, which was a half hour too long. her mom came home so they had the fucking balls to come here. jesus h w f-ing christ

sigh

fucked up

2003-05-31T22:46:41Z

listening to fiona apple i just teared the april page off my calender and relize theres 8 hours until june. trying to clean up so we can move. last day in this house. everything's happening so fast, it still does seem like april.

i feel like shit. i drank last night which i'm never gonna do again. i fucked up the most important thing to me by doing so.

i'm so depressed. i don't wanna do anything. i just want to sleep. but i already slept like 15 hours. no one's home. all day yesterday my mom was yelling at people to help pack and she's not even fucking here and there's so much shit to do. she's gonna come back and start yelling again and i'm prolly gonna be sleeping. why don't people (including myself) take responsibility. we could be packed and ready to go, but no one wants to help and no one wants to do anything. but it has to be done.

i hate moving so much. moving from my old house to here hurt because of all the memories in that house. there's no memories in this house but there wasn't as much bullshit and i was actually happy here. going back to the old neighbourhood in a little piece of shit townhouse. won't be able to listen to my music.. won't have as much privacy.. won't have as much room.

i hate this.

mmmm

2003-05-17T05:44:42Z

nothing like going for a walk to the store, getting really high and listening to nin really loud on the way back after a really bad day. it's like a dream. nothing really matters "when the whole world went away" or "where is everybody" is is playing. i feel so good right now i might sleep. or maybe watch a movie.

hmmmmm

blah

2003-05-12T01:03:31Z

i was checking to see what day i got my bely button pierced to see if i could change it yet.. so i thought i'd update. i guess it's been 6 months since i got it done. everything's such a blur. there's been about as many events as i've written about. pretty pathetic.

anywho. last night i went to stacey's 16th birthday. she got hammed and she was so happy. it's good to see. i haven't seen her in so long. i finally got to meet her boyfriend too. he loves her and is taking care of her which is good. when her brother jason got there she was right beside him and he was playing guitar and she was singing along. her boyfriend was like "see, thats what i like seeing. her happy. her and her brothers are so close i love it." i'm glad he's there for her. i almost wanted to hug him and thank him for taking care of my little sister.

hmm.. what else. i went to the docs.. last week sometime.. or the week before.. somethign like that. he told me to decrease my dose of prednisone by half a pill every week.. but i'm gonna decrease by a full pill every week. i want off that shit now. my hip has bothered me such much today i can barely walk.

well anyway.. i'm gonna attempt to change my belly button ring and.. um.. i dunno..

peace

i am f'ing brilliant

2003-03-30T08:42:45Z

I've never wanted kids. i've always thought: waste of time, money, effort etc. and in a conversation with someone about having children i came up with this:

Amarantha Tig: too many humans in this world now anyway
Amarantha Tig: one more to use my air
Amarantha Tig: useless cycle of life
Amarantha Tig: that's reality
Amarantha Tig: like those chain letters you know
Amarantha Tig: annoying and useless
Amarantha Tig: only way to stop them is to not distibute them any further

that's right. why "pass on your bloodline"? why make a new generation suffer like us in the harsh reality of the uselessness of life?

at the end of every price is right, bob barker should say "and don't forget, get your husband or wife spayed or neutered"

can't sleep

2003-02-17T12:47:32Z

9 months is a long time. a long wasted ass time of nothingness
nothing was accomplished. i stayed out everynight with him cuz i loved around him. and then i couldn't get up for school the next morning. such a fool i am. what a waste.
if only i could get some sleep. and stop thinking about this bullshit! must.. move on with life. not the end of the world. many other fishes in the sea.
but he's everything i want
but i can do better
but but but
ahhh!
why!
not like i'm going to run into him at the mall happily with his new girlfriend
oh but i might when i go to visit wayne.
he'll have someone so quick too, the bastard.
but so could i.. if i wasn't so sick.
but i don't want to.
AHHHH!@

poo

2003-02-17T11:01:45Z

well zcah tried to break up with me over msn. i'm not going out like that sorry. he said he didn't want to hurt me or see me cry or any bullshit like that. i cried when he told me he was moving, i'm over that. After 9 months it's supposed to hurt and i hope he does. he said he was coming home to get his stuff sometime this week and he'd come by to visit and do it right.
a bunch of shit came up today when i tried to talk to him. it wasn't easy. after i thought about all i said i had no idea why i said any of it. made no sense. why was i crying an hour before? it's not going to bring him back. useless emotions. aftre i thought about it i seemed like a big baby. he asked me why i did things like put the emoticon of a broken heart when he said he had to go. and said i was the only person he's ever seen make a break up so hard. but i realised brad used to do the same shit to me.
so it's like i said when we first started going out. it was like me and brad but reversed. i was in a relationship with a person who had more experience than me and i couldn't/can't let go. brad was in a relationship with someone more experienced (me) and couldn't/can't let go.

really makes you wonder. i broke up with brad around this time last year.

Oh well. nothing's going to bring him back. thus closing another chapter of my life. i'm gonna call stacey up when i wake up and see if she wants to go clubbing on friday. that should cheer me up a bit. i have dance tomorrow and i should go to bed but for some reason i don't want to..

ahh i feel so good

2003-02-16T00:12:18Z

no one's home. so i had a shower with the door open while ace of base played on the stereo. afterwards i stretched and danced around. i feel so refreshed.

i woke up and well.. i won't get into any details but after 2 days of taking prednisone i'm.. a lot better. WOO FOCKING HOO! i'm so happy right now. i love it :D

about zcah, i don't really give a shit right now. ace of base - don't turn around is exactly how i feel. you know.. i wish i could sceam outloud that i love you, i wish i could say to you don't go.. but don't turn around. ya know. meh

WOOOHOOO!

zach

2003-02-14T06:30:23Z

Zach's moving to london. I thought it was just one of his things saying he's moving to london but in actuallity he'd be back in a few days. but it's not like that this time. i went to go see him tuesday night because i had a doctor's appointment in london the nect morning and mike wanted to go so we went.
he's already talked to tom about renting his room out and he has a job interview on friday.. valentine's day *sigh*
the whole time i was there he was always touching me. always had an arm around me or cuddling on the couch or something. reminds me of how he used to be. maybe him moving to london would be good for our relationship but i wouldn't do it. it'd be like having an internet boyfriend i see every now and then and i could get plenty of those that would be better than him :P ah but i love the guy. even tho he's an asshole and treats me like shit for some reason i just can't let him go. i guess the 9 months of memories has something to do with it. it's stressing me out pretty bad. oh well. he hasta come home sometime to get his stuff.. right? and we're going back there next week. there's an auto show in toronto, maybe we're staying there when we go or something. i guess i have a lot of time to thinks things over and make a decision.

So at my doctor's appointment my doctor was flipping out because i lost 4 lbs. i could have shit that out that morning. but oh well. i am sick again and i guess that's a bad sign. He put me back on prednisone.. joy. getting fat, muscle weakness and joint pain. my dancing is gonna go great with this :/ i only have to take it until i feel better tho. which is good.. not another 9 months and get super fat looking, or "healthy" as my family said. *shudder*

oh well. i'll update when i know what's going on. i should finish typing my bc journal up too.

peace.

warning: i just smoked.. atleast 6 bowls

2003-01-06T05:24:52Z

today sucked. the phone rang. my gramma wanted to know if my mom was up and ready. i tried to wake my mom up, only to find she's drunk and passed out from the night before (or maybe a few hours before) she was all fucked off her ass and i had to go with her to see ralph and go to dinner. drunken mom at a restaurant with ralph and the rest of my family. fuck. she said "god i shouldn't have smoked all that oil last night" infront of everyone. which means after i went to sleep they stayed up with my mom and smoked wth her. what the fuck is going on. i was so pissed i couldn't sit there. i got up and went to the bathroom and walked around and went back and sit down and tried to watch tv to keep my mind off things but it didn't work so i got up and got a pen from the bar tender and i was gonna write down shit to write here but i couldn't because my gramma was right there. so i wrote down the first letter of the words i was thinking. i'll find it and write it up later. i filled the bank receipt i used to write on. i can't concentrate. i just totally lost my train of thought. the train has left without me.. or something. heh. i'll write back when i can think of something to write.

hmm

2003-01-05T18:02:53Z

why is it that when you're listening to depressing music, people automatically think that something's wrong? or maybe people watch too much simpsons. "music making teenagers depressed? that's like catching fish in a barrel" or something of that sort.

goes to show you how stupide people are. they believe anything they hear. then they spread it to other people. and eventually everyone believes the same thing, most likely false.

so, what am i getting at? I have no idea. I'm bored and everyone's sleeping. I'm listening to radiohead and my mom came in and asked me what's wrong. didn't make any sense. "you're listening to depressing music?" but.. what makes it "depressing?" i'm happy. the music is mellow and the lyrics confusing. how is that depressing?

ahh, now incubus. motherfucker. zach's fav band. he's sleeping on the couch. if he comes in here i'll snap. last night we waiting all night for my mom to go away so we could smoke up. i eventually go tired and fell asleep. zach woke me up and was like "We;re going to go smoke some drugs.. AT THE CASINO!" thanks zach. go somewhere i can't go. I need my weed. he also told me he was staying over. so i was thinking woo maybe i'll get some tonight. oh no, he's sleeping on the couch. meh.

what's been going on lately? well i got a gamecube for christmas. been playing that a bit. i got my haircut yesterday. it looks sweet.

(if it looks like i'm jumpping around, it's because i am. if i get a nww thought i'm starting it)

I read a buncha shit saying weed is goof for my colitis. so i've been smoking it. I'm sick again. I hate it. I went to quebec for new years.. sick. couldn't drink. it was good ro get away and relax but it wasn't all that fun. we did nothing. joselyn and dave were little bitches around eachother and didn't wanna do any fun other than be with eachother. all i wanted to do was smoke and party and everyone else wanted to party. or something. i dunno.

i'm so bored. i just got out of the shower. i should get dressed and do my hair. my mom wants me to go to skeeter's (some restaurant my gramma goes to every sunday) for ralph's christmas dinner. he's not home yet but he's should be around 4:30. I don't wanna go because everyone's gonna be bugging me to eat. and i'll flip out. and it won't be cool. "eat something, hey kaydee why don't you eat something. come on you haven't eaten anything since i've seen you" fuck that. i don't like eating because it hurts, so usually i don't eat unless i'm stoned because it gives me the munchies and i forget about the whole disease thing. an there's no way i'm gonna be stoned infront of my family. or maybe i should.. hmm..

anywho i'm gonna go.. do my hair and play gamecube.. maybe eat. i doubt it.

good times

2002-12-25T16:11:41Z

canDEEcane says:
so i'm gona smoke it
canDEEcane says:
all of it
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
ill prolly make garden salads with it
canDEEcane says:
all of it an the world
canDEEcane says:
man i just had a thought
canDEEcane says:
if someone set the world on fire, do you think they'd get high with all the shit they're burning?
canDEEcane says:
i wanna do it
canDEEcane says:
go to like march, light the world on fire and just breathe
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
u r fucked in the head
canDEEcane says:
haha
canDEEcane says:
march = mars
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
its 10am and u r talking bout things that i wouldnt even think u would think of
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
man it took me 6 yrs to type that
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
i couldnt think
canDEEcane says:
haha
canDEEcane says:
here's another: i said it a few hours ago
canDEEcane says:
you know all the starving people in africa? why don't we give them weed? then they'll get he munchies and eat
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
eat wut
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
thas the problem
canDEEcane says:
it's supposed to be funny
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
heres a thought : all the dishes and dinners and breakfasts thatr we dont finish can feeed the country of ethiopia .......
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
fedex em our garbage
canDEEcane says:
and some weed
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
our roaches
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
haha
canDEEcane says:
hahaha
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
they get sloppy seconds
canDEEcane says:
haha man let's do it
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
but better than nutin
canDEEcane says:
we'll be the fedexing food party of canada
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
technically we'll be saving the whoel godamn country if we did that
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
no joke
canDEEcane says:
we'll give every red bags and be like "when you can't finish your dinner, put it in the red bags and mail it to us"
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
haha
canDEEcane says:
then we fedex our shit to africa
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
we ship out at least 1 ton of garbage at tangs a week
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
theres a city u can feed right there
canDEEcane says:
yeah man
canDEEcane says:
then people will stop bithcing about hungry and you won't see those commercials on tv anymore
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
i know\
canDEEcane says:
they'll be fat and be like "please, only less than adollar a day will pay for this poor fat boy's liposuction"
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
i was wathicng the discovery chanel and they were talkinbout bears
canDEEcane says:
*laffs her ass of at the thought of what she just said*
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
a city in cambodia were seling bear soup and they had bears in cages for eating
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
i was gonna flip
canDEEcane says:
what!
canDEEcane says:
animals are so cool, people should all die cuz they're kiling animals
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
in cages@
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
they were smart bears too
canDEEcane says:
eliminate the human species
canDEEcane says:
so the bears can run free
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
we r a nuisance to earth
canDEEcane says:
troo dat
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
if we werent around...thwe world would be perfect
canDEEcane says:
we own it, and they're 10000000 other species out there, they're the shit we step on and kill without veen knowing
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
so technically whoever is catholic...u can consider that god fucked up the world since he created us
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
haha
canDEEcane says:
exactly!
canDEEcane says:
it's all god's fault
canDEEcane says:
so don't warship him
canDEEcane says:
stupid god
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
or the devil
canDEEcane says:
if he's all holy he should have forseen this
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
if u worship sumthing welse since therirs good and bad ppl
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
no shit
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
wheres the foreshadowing
canDEEcane says:
haha
canDEEcane says:
man we're so smart
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
only cuz we had no sleep
canDEEcane says:
troo datg
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
lol imagina on the bus ride to quevbec wed be tlakin useless shit like this
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
ajhaaahahahhaha
canDEEcane says:
hahahaha
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
'for like 10 hours
canDEEcane says:
man i'm so glad i'm sharing a room with you
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
ahahah
canDEEcane says:
we;'re always up anyway
canDEEcane says:
it'll be great man
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
truw
canDEEcane says:
smoking and shit.. fuck i want weed
canDEEcane says:
now
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
n oshit i feel lightheaded now
canDEEcane says:
too much laffing?
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
EXACTLY
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
haha
canDEEcane says:
haha me too@
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
hahaha
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
picture us laffing our asses off and evernoe else sleepin
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
aajajajajaahaahahah
canDEEcane says:
hahahaha
canDEEcane says:
"shut the fuck up, we're trying to sleep" "LISTEN, BEARS ARE IN CAGES RIGHT NOW" "GIVE THE AFRICANS WEED, THEY'RE STARVING" *both of us cracking up while dave rolls over and puts a pillow over his head*
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
AHAHAHAHAAHAHHA
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
ROFLMAO
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
omg
canDEEcane says:
hhaha!
canDEEcane says:
I'M SORRY MOKMMAAG
canDEEcane says:
I ENVER MENT TO HURT YOOooOOOoU
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
imagine the opposidte when they try to wake both of us up
canDEEcane says:
hahanha
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
"FUCK OFF" "SCREW OFF"
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
at the same time
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
"GET LOST"
canDEEcane says:
"MAN IT'S TIME TO GO SKIING" "LISTEN BITCJ, MY FOOT IS ABOUT TO BE UP YOUR ASS, TRY AND SKI THEN"
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
hahahaahahaahahhah
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
hahaaahh
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
im crying man
canDEEcane says:
me too hahaa
canDEEcane says:
brb pee
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
ok now im getign tired fro mall this laffing...fuck.....laffing non stop for 20 min
And I wont tell noone yer name says:
im gona go lay down...if im not back..then we'd hafta continus this another time.....i nered the laff.....
canDEEcane says:
heh
canDEEcane says:
alright

deezer @ 2002-11-06T00:47:00

2002-11-06T05:48:19Z

i got my belly button pierced, wow.

deezer @ 2002-11-02T15:45:00

2002-11-02T20:49:40Z

i just watched orange county. i think it's my life. at first i wanted to get away form everything and everyone because i thought everything was fucked up. but then i realised i couldn't, and now i do what everyone else does. just like what happened in orange county. my mom's a drunk, my friend's are fucked up. it's weird.

i feel like shit. i have a cold. i'm tired and i just want everything to go away or something to come to me so i'm not so.. i dunno. i feel so fucked.

Friday the 13th.. hahah!

2002-10-26T04:14:45Z

my 13th day in a row smoking up, amn iu should write here i have no idea what's gone on in the last.. forveer. oh god, ig gotra go

peace

argh!

2002-10-06T17:28:35Z

I hate everything

fucking can't sleep, got too much shit on my mind. I miss bc, zach's being a fucking dick head and i hate him and i wish he'd just fuck off. gerald was here yesterday, i kicked him out and feel like such a bitch for it, but he's the one who fucked with me.

Why si everything so fucked up. I wish everything would just go away and leave me alone. I think i need new.. anything. change of fucking scene. i'm bored and tired and sick of it all.

fuck you

In BC

2002-09-28T21:13:26Z

hearing about brad not sleeping and going nuts because i'm not there, and zach getting trashed beyong belief, my mom getting everyone drunk and leaving for gary's cousin's and shit like, what the hell? seriously. I leave and everyone sepparates and everything falls apart. I mean maybe i got the wrong ideas but it seems like without me they don't know what to do. like shit, i'm here in a lecture about some identity bullshit and not even paying attention. I mean, everything i'm "learning" I'll forget the second i step into the airport. I did need to get away for my own sanity and from everyone else dependance (espcially brad), but if everything falls apart, it makes me wonder...

--- was it worth it? ---

I'd say no. I could have probably handled shit. I had no summer last year and here i am learning about how to save and get along and understand other people. It's interesting and possibly useful for if i ever travel, but as of this part of my life I don't fucking care. I just don't care. I wish most poeple would just lay down and die anyway. Just because I change doesn't mean society will, and if soceity is the same i'm still going to hate people in general. I may have different perspectives on it all but i more or less thought about this shit on my own. It's sometimes cool being here though, because everyone and everything is accepted for what they are and what they believe. Out facilitator asked us what characteristic was probably responsible for our perspectives on different issues and i thought open-minded was. But after, me not caring about religion, I thought was a big issue. I mean I'll listen to what they have to say and if it makes sense I'm cool with it. That's the open minded part of me. But when they start talking about "God" and faith and all that bullshit, I get really offensive and mentally either block them out or autpmatically label them as insane bable slappers that don't know anything.

About all that bullshit before about everything falling apart, I'm sure everything's fine. That was just the bored and paranoia getting to me. Plus I miss everyone.

heh

2002-07-30T06:58:11Z

nice going away party for me
wayne was being an asshole and not listening to me, joselyn threw up on my mom's bed, zach left without saying goodbye and i'm in here all by myself listening to music trying to keep my sanity. almost glad i'm leaving for 3 and a half weeks, how can i even stand it here.

well for my last day here i've had no fun. for those of you who read this, all i gotta say is: way to go a-hole

love y'all, somehow

dee

p.s. have fun with my mom, i know you guys did tonight. somehow i'm not surprised. thanks. just needed that little something to give me enough to get the fuck out of here for 3 weeks.

meh

2002-05-27T03:39:31Z

i reallt dunno what to say. today we went to the beach and played volleyball with some people. there was a really hot guy playing who was after me. phew he was hot.

mom's doesn't like zach. but i figure everything will settle. it's a new realtionship. just gotta let shit settle into place. either that or let it shatter to pieces. either way.. i dunno.

meh, i dunno.

fucking alarm clock

2002-05-21T15:31:10Z

my alarm clock went off at 6:59 and i set it at 6:30. I think it's time to get a new one.
so anyway, i hit the snooze button and it never went off again. I'm gonna finish eating and go to school, get some homework and come back and do it. either that or stay there. i dunno :(